Look, I get it.
I'm an adult heterosexual male.
More so, I'm a middle aged heterosexual male.
Even more so, I'm a middle aged heterosexual male who is acutely aware of how much we as a species are on a razor's edge right now. And one of the side effects of being acutely aware of aforementioned razor's edge is that my libido is in an almost constant state of readiness.
And as a single, middle aged heterosexual male who is acutely aware, etc, etc but has no current partner who can consensually provide release in that department, I am stuck in the position of finding comfort in the virtual fleshpots that is the internet.
To paraphrase Clive James in his New Yorker essay about Frederico Fellini, A man's mind has many rooms and it cannot be helped if one of the rooms contains a Honky Tonk.
However, (and this is, for want of a less snicker worthy phrase, the rub.) I am also a feminist.
That mean's that I believe, among other things, that women have a right to their own agency as sexual beings. And that they should be free to express that sexuality, free from the fear of slut shaming, finger-wagging moralizing and rape. It also means that just because I have a strong sexual desire for a woman does not mean I'm entitled to her.
I understand the difference between expectation and hope.
And this is why the recent hacking of dozens of actresses photos is making me grind my teeth.
Let's get this straight, these were not photos meant for mass consumption! We're not talking about a layout for Cosmo or Esquire or even Stuff, meant to court the male gaze in order to drum up publicity for whatever project they have going on at that time. These were private pictures meant only for the enjoyment of themselves and who they choose to share them with. These were private.
But of course, that's the kick isn't it? Forget the fact that the Internet is a wonderland for porn stars and cam girls who are more then willing to flash some labia in exchange for some PayPal transfered scheckles. This stash is different. This is the forbidden fruit. This is the starlet who wouldn't touch you with a ten foot restraining order. And now, there she is. Lounging in the Coney Island of your mind, bent over the consession stand, ready to receive your Corn Dog of lust.
And all from images that you have no right to possess.
I will not look at these photos.
I have no right to look at them.
I was stupid enough in my twenties and thirties in my dealings with women and I don't need anymore red in my ledger, thank you very much. So I will not be joining in your little "Fappening". (And by the way, thank you the guy who came up with that phrase. You have now made me hate masturbation.)
And to you A-holes responsible for this leak, the vision I have in my head right now is of Jennifer Lawrence on a white steed with a flaming sword, cleaving you open from throat to taint.
But of course, she doesn't have a flaming sword.
She just has lawyers.
Close enough for jazz.